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Catching up!

2007-04-15T13:13:00.000-05:00

Wow! I had not realized how long it has been since I last blogged.
Alot has happened in that time.
While mom has recovered from her pancreatic cancer she has now developed a new cancer called Squamous Cell Carcinoma, an invasive skin cancer. They believe they have caught it early and that it will be a simple outpatient process.
So, she and step-dad will be on their way to Hawaii on the 29th of this month. Then she will come back and have the skin cancer removed and off they will go to Florida.

I got pretty sick for awhile and we had to get rid of 2 of our dogs as it was to much for me to handle 7 of them at once. We found very good homes for them and have been updated on their status. They are both doing very well and sleep in bed with the new owners. They are both being very spoiled. It killed us to have to get rid of them, but 7 was just to many. And they were picking fights with the others and hurt two of our other dogs necks and ears. So, they had to go.
Our Min Pin had his neck injured in a fight and while carrying him into the Vet, Sheila was comforting him by stroking his leg so she thought, it turned out to be his dick and he had developed a huge wood by the time she figure it out. Thankfully it only took a week of bed rest and some muscle relaxers and he is back to his old self.
The ferret had to go also. It was just to much. Now we have 5 dogs that can get along.

I have the early stage of Emphasema and I tire easily. I do not need oxygen and can hopefully turn this around by quitting smoking. And using my inhalors.

Sheila and I are doing very well. Thank God for our relationship. We have gotten through all of this shit together. We have been working on losing weight too. I am trying to live on my diabetic diet. They make it pretty easy these days at the grocery stores.

My fear is that she will want to leave me for a healthier woman. Not that you can tell by looking at me that I am sickly.
So I am returning to the gym to get back in shape. I think I will feel better after working out and losing some weight.
She assures me she would never leave me, but I just want to make sure, plus I want to feel better and be a better looking woman for her like I was when we met. I was riding several miles a day on my bicycle then.
She was really hot too. She still is but we have both put on a bit of weight in the 10 years we have been together.
We want to look hot again.

When the hell is spring going to get here?! I am wanting to get out in the yard. It has been so cold and wet here. I am getting cabin fever. I have been watching HGTV and torturing myself.
We also want to get out to the park more. We live right down the street from a State Park. We had a tease of a Spring and made it to the park a few times to walk. I want to take the dogs and walk them there. We usually take them there for walks because they all have to be on leashes. They are supposed to be here too but the neighbors let cats and dogs run loose all the time.

I think I have rambled enough today. I will be back soon. I hope to keep my blog up to date from now on.

Etheridge Concert

2006-08-23T18:56:00.000-05:00

The concert was awesome and I am including the write up in our paper about it.
I have been to many Melissa Etheridge concerts, but this one just had so much more life to it if that is even possible.
She had so much energy!
We stood on our feet the whole 21/2 hours. It was great! Ginny could not stand that long and the people in front of us made sure she could see when she had to sit. Everyone was so nice and friendly, especially Melissa Etheridge! She was very engaging with us.
There was no intermission but you could just walk in and out to get drinks and smoke etc. Ginny and I bought key rings with Melissa's picture on them for $5.00.

IndyStar.com Columnists David Lindquist
August 23, 2006

Etheridge proves she's the only one

By David Lindquist
david.lindquist@indystar.com
From female rocker to gay American to cancer survivor, Melissa Etheridge has conveyed distinct perspectives in her work for nearly two decades.

Keep up the pace: Melissa Etheridge gave a spirited 21/2- hour performance for about 2,500 fans Tuesday at Butler University's Clowes Hall. - Kelly Wilkinson / The Star
Melissa Etheridge
Where: Clowes Hall.

Bottom line: A one-of-a-kind career on display.

She showcased various sides of her private/public life in concert Tuesday at Butler University's Clowes Hall, where an audience of approximately 2,500 cheered her career longevity and her present stamina across a 21/2-hour performance.
Since Etheridge's last local appearance -- four years ago at Verizon Wireless Music Center -- the Kansas native has been treated for breast cancer and bounced back with a memorable, hairless performance at the 2005 Grammy Awards.
"This Is Not Goodbye" and "I Run for Life," two songs linked to that phase of her life, were paired for high emotional impact during Tuesday's show.
A strong but vulnerable tone defined "Goodbye," which represented the "before" side of recovery's equation. For "Run," a vast reservoir of inspiration replaced any hint of vulnerability.
If "Goodbye" was a message for Etheridge and her loved ones, "Run" is for the rest of us.
With renditions of "Bring Me Some Water," "I'm the Only One," "A Piece of My Heart" and "Like the Way I Do" still on deck, she had no difficulty delivering her audience to the intense realm she promised two hours earlier.
An Etheridge show is filled with insider moments, and the 45-year-old is a good enough sport to laugh along when audience members hold up paper windows during "Come to My Window," present signs printed with the cue "Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh" during "If I Wanted To" and give conversational answers to lyrics during the quietest moments of songs.
These quirks are welcome diversions when Etheridge slips into lengthy runs of sound-alike songs jangled on her 12-string guitar. By playing one number on piano, she took the initiative to change the pace herself.
No one's attention strayed, however, when the singer-songwriter's activist side came into focus on the songs "I Need to Wake Up" and "Silent Legacy."
While "Wake Up" was written for the film "An Inconvenient Truth," its call-to-action message could apply to causes other than green ones.
And as a gay-rights anthem, "Legacy" packs a strong argument into the single line of "Love is never wrong."

Call Star reporter David Lindquist at (317) 444-6404.

Copyright 2006 IndyStar.com. All rights reserved

The Indiana State Fair

2006-08-21T15:21:00.000-05:00

We took our guest Ginny to the fair. She needed an electric cart to get around so we rented one at the fair. Other than the food and the world's largest boar, the electric cart was the fun of the evening.
Just as we are having fun with the cart and figured out when to stop it before running into things the cart goes dead. It was flashing low battery. It's not like you can call AAA or Onstar. You are just stuck out there in the middle of the state fair... with a long way to go to the cart rentals. We tried to push it and it barely budged.
After sending Sheila to the cart rental booth for help we figured that Ginny just had fiddled the key loose and the thing was like new again. She drove off to get Sheila while I waited near the "big cake". (One of those fair landmark things where people usually meet.)
Ginny is a by the book and rules person (Only the arm band person is allowed to drive the cart) so, it was no small feat talking her into riding the little fair train with Sheila while I took a spin on the cart. (She doesn't even want me telling you this.)
I had a great time riding around on the cart. People would look longer than usual but I did not care, I gave them the Queens wave and drove on. (Hey I was in the cart.) I only needed a helmet and chin strap but they were not an option.
We ate lot's of food and split many things so we could try more.
We had Ginny zig zagging all over the fair from food cart to food cart. We have decided that is the way to see the fair next year,
by electric cart except that we need to walk off our food but heck at least you always have a seat.
I really try to work out but I am the one who figures out how to wire an ashtray to her bicycle. Or poor a Margarita in the sports bottle.
I used to be very active up untill my late 30's then I just crashed. My body would no longer keep up.
Hell, you can't even smoke at the gym now!
Ok, somehow I have drifted way off topic as usual.
My Mom has her friend Gloria visiting for a week so Ginny and I met Mom and Gloria for lunch today. Gloria bought lunch for everyone.
After lunch I took ginny to the bead store and bought some really pretty beads and a wire winding tool I have been wanting.
(With the money I saved on lunch.)
Now we are just chilling out and playing on the computer's. Sheila won't get home from work until a tad after 9:00 p.m.
Tomorrow she will get off early for the Melissa Etheridge concert. We have excellent seats and Ginny and I went down to the auditorium before lunch today to check out how to get there and where we will be sitting. (Very close to the stage on the aisle.)
I will let you know how the concert goes soon.

Oh the Life...

2006-08-19T12:24:00.000-05:00

Busted!
This is Max, our 1 1/2 year old Min Pin. He has decided he likes the extra firm pillows we bought lastnight. He is small but mighty. He can jump on to and over anything. he is a very loving puppy dog and we love him very much. He likes to pretend he likes michael then when michael gets up to him nose to nose Max will snap and Michael will get his feelings hurt and walk away
We keep them seperated with a baby gate so as not to have any accidents but every once in a while Max likes to jump over and snap at Michael who seems at this point very harmless thankfully.
We met some friends at the fair once again. We had a good time. We will go tomorrow for the last day. One more time to eat fair food until next year.
Mom was able to take her chemo again this past week, so that was good news. She should finish with her treatment in October if all goes well.
She and my step dad plan to go to Hawaii in February. Again if all goes well.
Today they are at the river boat.
Well I must make sandwiches for my friend and I so more later or I should say soon.

What we have been up to...

2006-08-13T22:29:00.000-05:00

Since I last posted we went to the Indianapolis State Fair and to Crown Hill Cemetary where I took this and many other photos.
The cememtary is the third largest in the country and has many famous people buried there. On the hill which is the highest point in the county is, the grave of James Whitcomb Riley.
The fair was a blast. I think I mentioned before that our friend from one of the message boards we belong to, is here for a month long visit. She decided she wanted to stay home and rest and read a book while Sheila and I went to the fair. We ate our way through the fair and people watched and got busted by to elderly ladies when we were checking out to ladies in short skirts. The two elderly ladies came up to us and said, "Busted, we caught you looking." Then we all just laughed.
I can't believe we ate so much but that is what we went to do. We were on a mission!
We are going back to the fair this coming Thursday with our visiting friend and another friend of ours. Then we will go on the last day and stay for the fire works.
We do this every year. The state fair is not far from our house.
Other than that we have driven around to show our friend some sights and have a few non-alcoholic drinks on the lake. None of us drink.
We plan to visit the Indianapolis Zoo and the I-max theater.
On the 22nd of August we have awesome seats for the Melissa Etheridge concert. Sheila and I have seen her many times but, this will be our friends first time so it is exciting!
My Mom has been trying to stay away from the public so as not to catch any germs because, her white count is so low. It is only a 3.0. The chemo is to blame and it needs to come up in order to continue the chemo. Hopefully this Wednesday it will be okay. We are concerned because she cannot take chemo at this time until the white count comes up and this is delaying her treatment.
Ok, I think that is all I know for now. I am going to try to do better at keeping up.

Where have I been???!!

2006-08-07T17:32:00.000-05:00

This past weekend I took Michael's 1 year photos. He has been a great dog and helps me to get out and about and sleep at night. He truly is my loyal companion as well as just a big happy puppy dog.
It has been a long time since I have done any blogging.
Mom's body is having a hard time with the chemo treatments and once again she has had to stop treatment, because her white counts are to low. Right now they are down to 300. Not good!
I worry about her. She was supposed to go out of town to visit my sister but had to postpone the trip to stay healthy.
Our friend from one of our message boards is visiting here now. Today is her birthday. I took her to a early dinner and Sheila is coming home early with cake and ice cream tonight.
We will be going to the State Fair this week. I cannot wait to attack the fair food! Also to see the animals and play some games.
One year I won about 8 fish. They lived for several years.
I was suppose to work at the comedy club this week, but my partner prefers I don't so, I will have another week sometime.
That will be fine we have alot going on this week and this way I won't have to be obligated to leave and go to the club at any certain time.
Back when I stopped writing for awhile it seemed that everything was going wrong. The washer and dryer, the plumbing, the new van, the phone etc. Since then everything has been fixed and or replaced. We are catching up financially now.
I just wanted to catch up a bit here. I will have to come back very soon to post some things I need to get off of my mind.

Playing Catch UP!

2006-05-04T05:21:00.000-05:00

I have not blogged in so long because I just have not known where to begin.
Mom is doing much better. She will start 12 more weeks of chemo as a preventive measure against her cancer recurring. There is an 80% chance that it will come back within 2 to 5 years.
Mom's cancer was found early only because my sister who is a court reporter had a case involving a suit in ref., to a misdiagnosed pancreatic cancer issue. She urged my Mom to make the doctor's check for it and that is what they found.
It mimicks gall bladder trouble and pain and is usually diagnosed to late in most patients. Mom's was contained and she was able to have a procedure done called the Whipple Procedure which is very major. She had chemo and radiation before and chemo after the surgery.
The process is long and very stressful.
We are living for today and taking each part of the process as it comes.
She would not be doing this well if she had not been in good shape before this happened. So, I am working on getting back into shape myself. It is so important!
In the mean time I have been spending alot of my time with Mom. She does not like to be alone for long periods. And she needs alot of help while recovering.
I have also started doing stand up comedy again. I missed it so much and find it to be a great release for me from all the stress.
Sheila has gone back to her old manager's job for more money. They called her at her new job and made her an offer she could not refuse. She say's it is like she has never left.
We bought a new van so I can have a set of wheels while she is at work. The one car thing just is not working with her working at her new old job and my comedy schedule.
I have been having alot of appointments downtown at the veteran's hospital. Pretty routine minor things, but enough to just get in the way of things.
Well this is it in a nut shell. Most of our landscaping and planting is already finished and looking awesome!
So, although we have had some stress and illness in the family we have had alot of good things happen too.

This is how I feel today.

2006-02-21T20:27:00.000-06:00

This is a photo I took at our zoo.

Whoever said, "It has to get better, because it can't get any worse", was a compulsive liar!

2006-02-21T19:49:00.000-06:00

Our toilet broke! Just great! Now Sheila is going to play plumber with new parts. Neither one of us is butch enough, but she wants to try and save the money. I just want to save the toilet. I want to call a plumber! That's is what they do. I just want the comforts of going and flushing again. I guess I will have to trust her on this one. I will let you know if she gets plumber's crack. At least her's will be better to look at than some old hairy plumber.
Mom did not feel up to going out today. She might go out Thursday. I need to get her out and walking. They said it is important. It helps them not feel so tired from the chemo supposedly.
Tomorrow I have counseling and then group. My counselor is leaving at the end of March. When she told me I cried like a baby. Ack! At least I will have the other group counselor so I will survive.
The only thing I accomplished today was breaking the toilet. I am feeling so useless today. Maybe I can make it up tomorrow.

Family Photo

2006-02-20T16:00:00.000-06:00

This is a photo of my Step-Dad, sister, bro-in-law, Mom, me, and Mom and Fred's dog Cairo. This was taken at Christmas. Mom still looks the same. You would not know she was sick just by looking at her.

Mom's Birthday and other things...

2006-02-20T15:09:00.000-06:00

Mom has finally started to feel a little better after all the treatments. She still has a cough. They think it could be from the chemo or damage from the radiation, so if it does not get any better soon they will do a CAT scan. She had a CAT scan recently, good news, no cats! Thank you, thank you very much!
We are still waiting to find out if all of these treatments have done any good for her or not. I might have mentioned it below, but we won't know until March 7th.
So, today is actually Mom's Birthday. My sister and I hosted 10 guests for my Mom's birthday celabration this past weekend. We had alot of food, good company, (all of her closest friends plus family) and alot of laughs. It was a great weekend. Mom said it was just the way she wanted it to be. Today she is exhausted and resting. My Step-Dad is home today so they are resting together.
I almost cried when we sang happy birthday to Mom. I was hoping for many more. I keep wondering how many more. I am sure that thought crossed other's minds as well. No one dared to say it or sing it.
I have been spending much of my time at Mom's house and back to my house to check on the dogs. Sheila has been a huge help when it comes to the dogs.
I have alot of my craft things at my Mom's house for something to do since she sleeps alot these days. I have been obsessively making jewelery. Now I am all dressed up with no place to go.
Oh, Sheila took me out to one of my favorite places for dinner on Valentines day. We had a very nice time. It is a family style Italian style place.
I have lost 17 pounds since Mom has been sick. Now I am working out and watching what I eat and trying to keep it up and keep it going. Why ruin a good thing?
My Dad's birthday is coming up March 6th. We will all meet at my sister's house to celebrate on the weekend. Then back to Indianapolis for Mom's prognosis report. My stomach flips over everytime I say it or think about it.
Sometimes I just like to escape into my own thoughts. Thoughts of living in a perfect world. At least my own perfect world.
I guess that is all for now. See you soon.

Update

2006-02-03T11:14:00.000-06:00

I thought it would be a good day to catch up on my blog today.
Sheila is working until 9:00 p.m., my sister is taking my Mom to her radiation treatment today, and my house is very clean now.
It is cold and rainey outside and it is a good day to stay home and cozy by the computer.
Mom has only one more day of treatment which will be on Monday. That will be both chemo and radiation. She has done pretty good throught it all. She was prescribed pills for nausea, but they have hardly helped the last week and a half. She seems to feel her best right after her treatments so we always go to lunch so that she can eat a good meal. It has been important not to let her lose much weight. We took this very seriously and so far she has only lost one pound. Some of the other patients have lost 60 to over 100 pounds. Mom was already thin enough and could not stand to lose much weight.
We have gotten to know many other patients and their families who are going through various forms of cancer and treatments. We see them each time we go to the hospital. Some seem to be doing better than others, but they all have a place in my heart.
"Jack", Lost over 120 pounds. He looks like a skelaton. We watched him shrink before our very eyes. Every week he was so much thinner than the week before. He has finished his treatment and we have not seen him since last week. Everyone at the cancer center asks each other about him.
A 12 year old beautiful girl with a brain tumor, is rapidly losing weight. She has had 6 surgeries in three months and now they are trying treatments and an online treatment they read about. She gets sick every night. She takes 60 pills a day through this online natural healing process. Her Mother and Father said they are desperate to keep her here. No more surgery can help her now.
I could go on and on about these people. There are so many of them. It seems half of Indianapolis is at the cancer center.
The saddest thing is... you do not know if the treatments are going to work until after it is over. They say it would be like looking at a cake that is half baked. So, there are no guarantees and no progress reports. You just hope all of the illnesses and reactions and pain is from the treatment and not because the patient is getting sicker. Each cancer is treated differently. There are many different kinds of chemo. But one thing chemo and radiation has in common is that it seems to be painful and about a day or two later the patient feels very sick.
Chemo goes in intervenously and is painful at the site where it goes in. If it is to painful they can slow the drip. Mom's drip lasts one hour unless she needs them to slow it down. If it gets to painful that even slowing it down hurts to much they put a thing in a vain like a little tap. It stays in the whole time and they just connect to it each time you come in. Mom has not had to do that.
One of the men we talk to has to let his chemo drip for 4 hours.
They have little TV sets and reclining chairs etc for each patient and chairs in there for the guest of the patient.
One day the had foot massages for patients and guests, everyday they have counselors if you would like to talk to one and other people, services, and etc., in there.
Radiation is different. We sit in a small waiting room and talk with all the other patients and families about what is going on. It gets pretty personal and you all feel very close very fast. The wait is usualy not very long, but long enough to get to know each other enough to really care.
On Mondays Mom goes to chemo first, then down to radiation. Tuesdays though Fridays just radiation. Then we go to lunch to keep her fattened up because that is about the only time she really feels like eating. She takes anti nasea pills in the morning and at night. Still in the mornings and at night she feels nauseous. It is also important to keep the patients spirits up and have them do some walking each day.
So, after lunch we go shopping to one of the malls and do some walking. It has been to cold or wet to just walk outside. Plus shopping will always lift Mom's spirits.
We usually get home around dinner time and my sister or I will start dinner for everyone because by then Mom is feeling worn out and Fred, (Our step-dad) is coming home from work and needs to eat. Many times he will cook too. He is a good cook and has always gotten up early and made Mom her breakfast and coffee before waking her. He has been a great step-dad and we are close. He and my Mom have been together since we were kids. He and my Dad are friends as are my Mom and Dad's long time and forever girlfriend. (They went to school togehter.)
It works out for family times when everyone needs to be together.
During all of this, Sheila got very sick with an infection of unknown origin.
At the same time my Mom's White count and platelet numbers dropped from her radiation treatments making her very suseptible to infection. We had to keep Sheila and I away for a bit untill the doctor figured things out.
By the following week Mom's numbers were back up and Sheila was starting to get better. The doctor heard Sheila's heart murmur which sounded more pronounced so she had a sonogram of her heart done. I was there and watched the whole procedure.
Today we found out that she has a pronounced leak in one of her valves and needs to take anti-biotics when having any dental work done. Sheila is calling them back to find out more about it since that was all the assistant would tell her. We would like more information.
We never did find out what made her so sick, but it took two Z Packs to make her better.
I was checked out and found to be ok and able to be with my Mom since I had no fever or other signs of illness after I had been exposed to Sheila.
Monday they (the doctors) Will let us know when we will find out if this treatment has shrunk the tumor or not. There is also the chance that it could have been growing during this time. I do my worrying and crying away from my Mom. We stay positive around her. The thing is she is now really positive and so I hope we hear good news because any bad news will be devistating to Mom and all of us. This month is her birthday. I hope she will have good news.
She has to rest her body from the treatments for a month at which time the radiation is still working in her. She and Fred are planing a trip for a week to get away and relax in the warm sun and beeches. The doctor said it would be fine.
Then hope fully she will be able to have surgery and then she will have to go through another month of treatments.
I am proud of her for being so brave through this. I know she has her own private thoughts. We talk some.
We have always been a huggy kissy family and always tell each other "I love you". Of that I am gratefull for.
Mom, just recently took her Christmas tree and lights down. She was afraid it might be the last time she would be able to enjoy it and started to cry each time we were going to take it all down. Finally she said she was ok with it.
I have to say, after all of this and all the people I have met during Mom's treatment including my Mom. All of my own personal problems seem so small. I feel like I am growing stronger emotionally. I have too. I have not had time to even wallow in my own problems which has been good for me.
I have found that not only do I have sadness over this cancer process, but also I have an anger towards it. Like, how dare it come into my Mom and these other nice sweet people and make them suffer so much.
I hate to see anyone suffer. When it is my own Mom it just kills me. My heart aches for all of the people suffering no matter what their ages, they don't deserve to suffer like this.
I will update this blog again next week when I know more. Maybe sooner if I have something more to say. It feels so good to write. It has been to long since my last blog. See you soon.

Mom gave us a scare tonight...

2005-12-19T02:00:00.000-06:00

The day started out with Sheila, while on her way to work dropped me off at Mom's house. While there we watched our poor Colts lose to the Chargers. I guess you just can't win them all sometimes.
The Chargers played an outstanding game and needed to win to get to the playoffs.
After the game we sort of just putzed around the house then took my sister by a store where she bought someone the wrong size shirt and off we went to the airport. At the airport we dropped my sister off at the car rental place so she could drive home and picked Fred's sister up for her 10 day stay at Mom's house.
Fred barely slowed down to let her get in the car and then we were off to go out to dinner. while at dinner Mom had a wierd thing happen. Food she had eaten came right back up whole. (Not pretty) It scared us all a bit, but she said it has happened before and the doctor was aware of it. So, we picked ourselves off the floor and began talking as if nothing had happened. I looked around and it appeared that know one saw this happen as we were tucked away in a corner where Myrna and I could be close to the bar to smoke.
After dinner we went back to Mom's house where Sheila joined us after her work Christmas party. We had coffee and visited until about midnight and then Sheila and I came home to some pretty crabby dogs. well, they were not all that crabby since Sheila had been home with them for a bit before joining us. Sheila has been so good through all of this.
Mom has a very hard time if left alone for any amount of time so, we are trying to always have someone with her which is how she wants it. I just feel so bad.
I am still able to make Mom laugh alot which I like.
Monday afternoon, Myrna and Mom will pick me up for another day's adventure. Not sure what we will be doing.
I will blog about it Monday night.

What a day!

2005-12-18T02:54:00.000-06:00

My sister being the busy bee that she is waited until practically the last minuet to do her Christmas shopping. So, today we did more running around for her and took Mom to have her nails done for the Christmas party she and Fred were going to attend.
We dropped Mom off at the nail salon and took my sister to Kinko's to finish some gifts and send them out. When we got back to the nail salon Mom was a mess. She had been left alone to dry her nails and started to think about her cancer and worried herself sick.
We took her straight home and had her rest.
She still wanted to shower and go to the party. (That was good news to us.)
The party was at the house of the President of the company for all of the top executives and spouses. Mom is just recently retired from there so she knows everyone.
The attire for the evening was casual dress. They both looked so beautiful. Fred gave Mom a 5 carat diamond bracelet for thier anniversary and I took photos of them with their trusty German Shepherd by the Christmas tree.
Off they went.
Sheila and I stayed behind with my sister and made pizza. We also took phone calls and my aunt, (Fred's sister) Will be coming from Pennsylvania Sunday afternoon and staying until after Christmas.
Mom cannot seem to be alone or she worries herself sick. We need to make sure someone is always with her for now. Maybe the whole time. She is soooooo afraid. We all are. I feel so bad for my Mom. She loves living so much! She does not want to leave us. We are hoping for a remission or something positive to happen.
They came home later than they played. It turns out that one of the spouses works for the American Cancer Institute and had a long talk with Mom and Fred and they exchanged phone numbers and he is going to find some info for her.
They had a good time and were all smiles when they returned.
I had to ban my step-dad from listening to Neil Diamond. He loves him, but he puts the CD in and then cries. So, no more Neil Diamond.
We all had a cup of coffee and then Sheila and I had to head home to take care of our dogs.
We are looking forward to Sunday football... Go Colts!
And just let me close by saying, Merry Haunikas, Happy Quanzamass, Happy Holidays or whatever it is you do or do not celebrate! I hope it is happy, merry, and safe!

Busy Day

2005-12-17T01:39:00.000-06:00

Today after Mom had her hair done my step-dad picked me up and we met Mom and my sister for lunch at Applebee's.
We finished lunch and everyone decided I needed to have my hair cut, not much, just shaped up a bit. Once I was finished we went to Sam's Club and bought some fun things we don't really need just wanted, including a huge pizza for later.
We then went back to Mom's house and Mom, my sister and I wrapped some gifts while Fred (step-dad) watched tv.
Sheila came by after work. We made coffee talked and then put the pizza on.
We stayed until 11:00pm tonight then came home to take care of our dogs.
One of the things I bought at Sam's Club is a tiny survalience camera. I want to record the dogs while we are gone to see what they do on their own. Sheila bought Michael (See photos below) a bunch of toys, food a treats tonight.
Mom was having some pain tonight and has lost 9 pounds in 1 and 1/2 weeks. (Not good!)
I have her lifting her small weights and building muscle mass so she won't lose so easily.
I notice I keep looking at her longer and making sure I won't ever forget what she looks like or sounds like. Her voice, her mannerisms, I want them all recorded into my brain so I don't forget her.
She looks so good right now. You would never know she is sick by looking at her.She has always lived on a diet and now she is losing weight without trying. She just can't really afford to lose alot more weight. I am going to have her take some of that "Ensure" and keep building muscle mass with her weights along with Omega 3 Fatty Acids. She said that the Omega 3's cause pain so maybe we can ask the doctor what we can do about that.
Fred's sister called tonight, she will be flying in soon from Pennsylvania. Mom and all of us just love her so it will really be nice when she is here.
The doctor said he will call back tomorrow with all of Mom's appointments for the next two weeks.
Nobody did much crying today. It was a pretty fun day and we just enjoyed being together as a family.
Pat, my bro-in-law had to go home for a family function on his side of the family and my sister will stay here through the weekend instead of going home to Dad's and Pat's family's. Our Dad called Mom lastnight. He was crying and told us to stay with Mom right now. It is really hard because he is older and going to be 80 years old in March. He seems much younger.
Wednesday Sheila and I will go for Christmas to her Mom and Dad's and spend the day and evening visiting with them and then come home. Last year we spent Christmas with her family so it is our turn to spend it with my family this year fortunately. Her father is now a double amputee and has a hard time getting around. Her Mom is his primary care giver.
I don't like to see our parents getting old. It is ripping my heart out.

Mom's Diagnosis, Pancreatic Cancer...

2005-12-16T00:44:00.000-06:00

Tuesday we, my Mom, Step Dad, sister and brother-in-law went to the hospital with my Mom to have her biopsy of a mass her pancreatic duct.
We arrived at 9:00 a.m. and at 10:a.m. after much reasuring from us that everything would be alright, they called her back for the biopsy.
As we waited many families came and left. They would call each family name and tell the family to pull the car up to the door and wait for their patient to be wheeled out to the car. Out they would go.
We waited and waited, certain that at any time we would be called to go get the car and wait for Mom to be wheeled out front and then we could take her out to breakfast as planned.
The volunteer at the desk would recieve a phone call at the waiting room desk then call the family name.
We new something was wrong as Mom's doctor came out to the waiting room and asked us all to follow him to a consultation room. We just all looked at each other knowing this was not going to be good news.
Once we were all assembled in the room the doctor told us it was a devestating cancer process.
I thought my step-dad was going to go through the wall, but he just seemed to be clinging to it and sobbing. my sister was sobbing we were all crying and feeling sick and in shock. We were hearing words like, 24 months with treatment, does not look operable, possibly in a vain that is impossible to operate on without the patient dying. Chemo, radiation. Bad days ahead. Stick together. Think positive...
Then, he said she was in recovery and it might be awhile. They were going to do blood tests etc.
We all spent time crying and then decided we needed to make our phone calls to family and friends who were waiting for the report.
I called my Dad, and my partner Sheila. They in turn would call other's. I could not talk very well, I just could not yet hold myself together.
Mom had been given medication that would make her forget things until it wore off. She was finally ready to go four hours after we first spoke to the doctor. We decided not to tell her the worst of it until the drugs wore off and until the official lab reports came back on Thursday,
The doctor said she could go to breakfast and so we did.
Then we went to Mom's house and let her nap on and off and Sheila and I made dinner.
We all watched a movie later that night in between phone calls as the phone kept ringing off the hook.

Wednesday, December 14th, 05; Everyone slept in and just was a bit lazy. Sheila and I let our dogs have alot of free time and attention. We then took everything to make dinner with over to Mom's.
After dinner there were more phone calls and we watched some TV. Everyone was tired. The Gastroentorologist had called and did not have any better news to report. We would hear more on Thursday.

Thursday, December 15th, 05; We were at Mom's from 11:00 am - 11:00 p.m. The endoscopic doctor called. The lab confirmed the cancer and Friday they will call back to discuss referrals specialists, treatment plan etc.
We ate salad, veggies and chicken for dinner and watched The Apprentice final episode. Sheila and I did laundry while we were there so she could have clean work clothes for Friday and just so it would not get to backed up.
We drank alot of coffee and talked about everything under the sun. We laughed and cried. Sheila colored her hair, and we made some jewlery. I ran the vaccuum cleaner for Mom. Many more phone calls. It is 2:22 am and I need some sleep so I can get back to Mom's tomorrow afternoon. My sister will take her to get her hair done at 1:00 and then they will pick me up. Mom has been having stomach pain today. That is the only way they found this mass. She said it felt like a gall bladder attack and her gall bladder is already out. Other than that she say's she feels fine. She looks fine. She always looks and acts much younger than her age. I have been staying up when we get home to give the dogs play time. I am exhausted now and must get some sleep.
More tomorrow as I find this to be a great way to unwind before bed.

A walk in the State Park

2005-11-20T22:54:00.000-06:00

I got my new German Shepherd puppy Friday evening. He is 12 weeks old and already big. I have his AKC Papers. He is my protector and makes me feel safe just by his deep bark.
My girlfriend and I took him for a walk in the State Park down the street from us today.
It has been a long time since I have been out like that.
Yesterday I walked him for thirty minuets in our neighborhood.
Tonight I am going to show him off by posting his photos.

I love cyber life.

2005-11-18T09:36:00.000-06:00

I am discovering more and more how much I love my cyber life.
I would love real life to be more like cyber life.
Think about it... You are shopping at Wal-Mart, or Wal-Marts, which ever you prefer to call it. And you decide... I want that, that and this. You click a button next to the items and poof they are in your shopping cart... This way you can buy more things from the top shelf. Is it just me or do the employees seem to drop into a black hole when you need help getting something from the top shelf?
Ok, so now I am ready to check out. I click a button and poof I am checked out. Then I click on a link button and poof I am at the mall. No lines, no traffic, no car, no items spilling out of the plastic bags that I chose out of guilt for the tree's because of people listening to whether or not I was going to chooose paper or plastic. Every turn I make I play a game with myself guessing what is rolling or thumping in the trunk or if it is broken.
Now back to cyber/real world. After a long day of shopping, I click a button and poof I am having a nice visit with friends. They don't really see me, so if they ask what I am wearing I can tell them something really nice, instead of my actual torn big whities and slippers.
I can belch like a man while shopping and visiting because no one will hear me.
I can drink cyber beer and not get drunk and foolish or sick. And no tickets on the way home because I am already home.
I can go wherevere I want to when I want to as long as my browser is working and it doesn't cost anything extra unles i choose for it too. I never sit in traffic, pay insurance or property taxes or utilities. No one can attack me physically. If someone attacks me verbally I can click a button and put them on ignore. Can you imagine that in real life. Just click a rude person right out of the setting. How many times have I wished I could do that. I can honestly use the word hate strongly when it comes to rudeness and mean spirited people. I have turned the other cheek enough times to know that I just get another bruised cheek, and why? What good is that? Who is that helping?
I'll just click you off now rude people.
Well, I need to go... it's time to go visit my cyber friends.

7-UP

2005-11-18T00:42:00.000-06:00

It seems I have been listed to do this 7-up thing so here goes.

7 Up

7 Things I want to do before I die:

1) Parachute
2) Do stand- up comedy again.
3) More white water rafting
4) Marry Sheila Legally
5) Take an African Safari trip.
6) Take a balloon ride
7) Be a good comedy writer

7 Things I can't do:

1) Marry Sheila legally
2) Work ( on disabillity)
3) Eat what I want when I want to. (Diabetic)
4) Draw
5) Calculate percentages in my head
6) Leave my house without anxiety attacks
7) Wash my hands without washing and rinsing them 3 times in a row.

7 Things that attract me to the same sex:

1) The female body.
2) Eyes
3) Smile
4) Personality
5) Sense of humor
6) Kindness
7) Gentleness

7 Things I say most often:

1) Let's get Crack-a-lackin'
2) No more cheese. (to the dogs)
3) I love you
4) Call in sick today. (every morning to Sheila, thank God she doesn't listen.)
5) Who farted? (see # 2)
6) Is it hot in here or is it just me?
7) Awwwwwww, (When I feel compassion etc for someone or animal.

7 Celebrity crushes (sort of):

1) Ellen Degenerous
2) Caroline (Trump's Apprentice)
3) ??? No more really.

7 Ways a Partner can say I love you:

1) Say I love you.
2) A massage
3) Wanting to be together
4) Hugs or kisses for no special reason
5) Holding my hand
6) That certain look
7) Making love

7 People you want to do this: They've probably already done it but would be:

Pam
Bug
Lesi
Nelle
Ting
Caly
Ginny

Sheila is back to work.

2005-10-26T23:51:00.000-05:00

Sheila is back to work. She started training at her new job today. She looked stunning all dressed up. Of course she always looks stunning to me. We spent $300.00 on some new clothes for her to wear to work. Not much for work clothes, but she has so many already. We got rid of alot of her old outfits. The nice thing is, she will have 2 more weekends off while she is in training.
The dogs and I got so spoiled having her home these past few weeks. The dogs didn't want to let her leave the house this morning as usual, but she finally made it out the door when I let go of her pant leg... I had to... she was pulling so hard my teeth couldn't hold her back any longer.
Max expected me to hold him all day and carry him where ever I went. He is so little. I need a pouch to carry him in.
He is very co-dependant.
I am building a web site for the message board that I participate on.
I am having a blast with it. It is very addictive.
I have decided to donate my older car to one of the disabled veterans instead of selling it. I did the same thing with my van.
I can wait until spring or summer then buy a used convertible that I want.
We actually get along fine with one car, so we like to have a fun second car just to buzz around the city with.
I have eaten to much Halloween candy for being a diabetic. I can really feel it. I have promised myself to stop. I usually do not eat candy, but sometimes when it is here I give in to the chocolate.
I talked to my counselor today. I have to get out of the house this week twice, before next weeks group.
Maybe Sheila and I can do something this weekend. (The river boats I hope.) I also have a bunch of things I need to take to the e-bay store.
We have another mouse in the house. He runs out the door to the garage when the dogs spot him and chase him. They never can catch him. We are thinking of adding a kitty to our managerie. At least she would earn her keep.
The dogs and ferret are used to other animals coming in to the house. I just don't know how a kitty would like it here.
Of course we would keep her claws intact to catch mice and fend off the dogs.
Maybe we will just go look at kittens this weekend. The rescues bring them to the pet shop every weekend.
They aleady have shots etc. so that is good.
I think she would be a better playmate for the ferret than the dogs.
Well, this is sooo boring, it is just that there is really not much going on here.
So, I will sign off...

Update to Wednesday and maybe other things...

2005-10-22T00:40:00.000-05:00

Wednesday morning Sheila went to her second interview for the company she has been wanting to work for. They hired her and she starts this Wednesday. I am so proud of her. She is successful no matter where she goes or what she does.
I like to think we compliment each other in that way. She is successful while I am the slacker so we sort of balance out.
We were so excited. We called her parents and mine as they were waiting to hear how it went.
Sheila's parents are 3 hours away.
My Mom and Stepdad live right here. So they took us out to dinner to celebrate. We had a great time and dinner was so good. Sheila chose to go to Don Pablo's, one of our favorite Mexican places. I like it because their Buritos are as big as silos.
Before dinner I had to go to my counseling session and group.
I was told to drive myself there by my counselor to start getting back out of the house. The longer I hide in my house the harder it is to go back out each time. I sort of feel like a bear coming out of my cave after hibernating. A bear with sunglasses.
I am always on guard and alert to anyone around me. You never know when the boogy man is lurking...
It was such a beautiful day and when I got to the counseling center my counselor asked if I thought I could handle walking down to the park for our session. Since I wore my "I look tough don't mess with me denim and wife beater t-shirt under a denim shirt with necklace". I said sure. That outfit with my hair highlighted and looking good and my sunglasses make me look pretty tough. My counselor agreed and said that I did look tough. I pointed to the little kid on the swing and assured her that I could kick his ass if he gave us any trouble.
So it was a great session even though I was on edge through most of it. I just could not believe how many people were out walking in the park or just cutting through. It is right on the edge of downtown, so I guess it makes sense to be busy during the day. It is probably the getaway route.
After the session we walked back and went to group. There were only 5 of us in group so everyone had plenty of time to talk. My counselor wants me to go out 2 more times before our next session. (my sessions are weekly.)
You know when a person is going through a tough time and everyone say's, "This too shall pass."
Well, I love to use these types of cliches when people are having a great time too I just say, "Remember, this too shall pass."
I am sure it works both ways, it is just that nobody has the balls to say it.
I felt so good afterward from my session and group and the exciting news of Sheila getting the job she has been wanting that I just forgot to be worried about driving home alone.
As soon as I got home we went to my Mom's to see thier newly added on second deck and then went to dinner.
We had a pleasant visit.
We got home on time to watch Martha Stewart's Apprentice which was really good!
I have not been down since Wednesday and it is Friday so things are good!
As far as being bi-polar, I prefer to be on the upside of it than the down side. Being bi-polar is kind of like having your own built in meth lab. The meds are to keep you feeling somewhere in the middle of the highs and lows, but you miss the highs so, sometimes your brain relapses into a high and they have to adjust your meds to bring you back down a notch.
We are working on finding a medication to counteract the weight gain causing meds I am on. I guess not eating Mexican and Itallian would help too...
We have been eating very healthy meals since Wednesday and already I feel deprived.
Is salad really in a food group?
They have diagnosed me as such a mess, Bi-polar, PTSD. OCD, I guess I should just be greatfull that I can feed myself.
Look! Mom! No bib!
It felt so good to walk to the park and back physically and mentally. Well not so much physically since I was nervously smoking more than usual. So, Maybe the mentally part was just a reaction from the lack of oxygen.
I used to love hiking and riding my bike. I am to afraid now though. I always get the creeps.
To many people go missing all the time now.
I need two Rottwielers and two German Shepherds to walk with me. And a tank.
I never know if I feel good just because I got out of the house or because I did not get killed while I was out.
It sort of feels like that adrenalin rush you get when you are out at the Chinese Buffet and feel your butt is about to explode... and it turns out it is only gas.
It is such a rush... then it becomes such a relief you sort of linger in that state of secret bliss.
I am sort of lingering in that state of bliss now. I hope it will last.

I have alot of nothing to say...

2005-10-19T01:23:00.000-05:00

What does a nearly agoraphobic have to talk about?
Well, let's see...
My home has been like my oasis. I feel safe here. It not like it's Fort Knox, but we do have some heavy duty locks and an alarm system that help me feel safe. In other words... it keeps the boogie man away. So far.
I did venture out on a day trip.
Sheila and I went to my sister and brother-in-law's house in Cincinatti, Ohio. We met my Dad down there and had a wonderful visit.
We decided to leave all the dogs run free in the house while we were gone. We put a bunch of pee pads down and plenty of water. They had breakfast before we left. Usually we put three of them in crates.
So we left and hope the house would still be standing, everyone would still be alive, and nothing would be chewed up when we returned. This was a test for them since everyone is potty trained now and at least a year old or more.
My sister invited a few close friends of ours over for dinner and after dinner we went outside and sat around a big bon fire talking and laughing.
When Sheila said we should think about getting back home (we would be gone for 12 hours.) I had a bit of a panick attack, but nobody knew it. I am good at hiding how I feel when I need to.
So, we said our goodbyes and off we went.
We promised each other we would not worry about what we found when we got home, and just deal with it when we got there.
Well, we got home and were so amazed. Everyone used the pee pads, no messes, nothing was chewed, no fur or blood, it was just as it was when we left. We checked all over the house to be sure. Of course we had closed the bedroom doors and the bathroom door. So now I don't have the dogs as an excuse to stay home anymore. They were perfect little angels.
On another note, Sheila quit her job 2 weeks ago. I supported her decision.
She has a second interview Wednesday morning for a store she really wants to work for. More money etc.
It has been nice having her home every day. I wish we could be wealthy and both stay home. We have had a good time and gotten so much done around the house that we have wanted to get done.
Wednesday I am scheduled to go to therapy and group. My counselor had a cancelation and wants me to come early so I will have a double session I guess. And then group. I think it will be easier to go because I know that Sheila will be home when I get back and I won't have to go in alone.
I am instructed to drive myself there and back. I am determined to do it so they won't make me go to Florida for intensive therapy.
The thing is she never has someone come in for two sessions due to a cancellation so I don't know what to expect.
I don't have to leave for anothe 12 hours and 15 minutes but already I am stressing a bit.
I am told this is pretty normal since I waited 20 years to deal with my assault/rape etc
It apparently builds up all these years and everything that made me think I was losing it and going crazy inside is all a part of this. So many things make sense now. I used to have this obsession with memorizing liscense plate numbers while in the car. Well, that is what I did when my attacker left me for dead, and I have been doing it ever since not even knowing why I was doing it.
I rarely ever do it anymore. Since I realized why in counseling.
There are just so many things that amaze me. No wonder people said I had quircks. I do and did.
I love going to therapy because it makes me feel like I am not going nuts.
It is really amazing to realize things like I just mentioned.
I have also been banned from watching the news for now. I have always been a news junkie and we have found that I have alot of triggers when watching the news. One thing is that my attacker was a Muslum and the whole thing was considered an international incident because I was in the military and overseas. His record showed that he had done this to other American women too. Each time he get's let go by saying we were prostituting ourselves to make money for our trip.
Then he says's we are just mad because he refused to pay us.
Also, there is always someone that has gone missing in the news. This is what happened to me. I was taken off the street outside a trainstation. Nobody even noticed.
When I hear about other's and especially if they do not survive I get all kinds of triggers as they call them.
I was foolish to think that I did not need to deal with this, that I could just put it all behind me and not give him another second of my life. On top of that I was sexually abused as a child from the age of 3 untill I was 10 by a family member. Not an immediate family member. But I remember when my Dad found out he wanted to kill him. We kept it quite by my pleading and feelings of shame.
Of course my family thinks this is what "turned" me gay. I think I would have been a lesbian no matter what though.
We are also trying to work on my prejudice towards Muslims. I have a mistrust for them. It is impossible to tell the good from the bad ones. I was not ever brought up to be prejudice and my family does not like the fact that I am, and neither do I.
It just seems like from what you hear about them in the news and what I was treated like by one is true. And the fact that they are hiding among us as terrorists does not help me any.
When I see there faces I just have this rage well up inside me. The same rage I feel whenever any man or anybody tries to intimidate me in any way. That is why I am not supposed to watch the news for now and not allowed to even work part time.
Because I find it so hard to deal with people who try to push me or intimidate me. I tell the exactly how I feel about them.
Then I get fired. I never raise my voice though, lol, don't I get some credit for that? No, I don't.
I just do not ever want to feel weak or vulnerable again. I feel as if I have to stand up to these people so they will not make me feel like I am being pushed up against a wall.
I have never been a violent person and would never hurt anyone physically but I just feel I can not allow myself to be bullied ever again. This is a hard thing to break and to tell the truth I am not sure I want to.
If someone cannot show me respect, I do not show them respect either.
Oh well, enough blog therapy. I have real therapy later today.

Fresh Start

2005-09-28T01:16:00.000-05:00

I should be sleeping. Tomorrow/today is my fresh start day. I have to be up early and showered in time to take Sheila to work, then come home and put my make up on and got to therapy.
Then come back home and then pick Sheila up from work. Somewhere in there I want to work out a bit.
I have to do this no matter how tired I am. Failure is not an option, (That used to be my motto.) And will be again.
I hate to come into the house when nobody is home.
I am really being stupid. I hate to be this way. I am told that I stay awake at night because I am hypervigalent due to my assault.
But it get's to the point of being so ridiculous.
One night I woke up sure that I heard water running and I got scared. Then I told myself, either it has to be the toilet running or a really clean prowler.
I slept so much better when I had my German Shepherd. These little dogs get scared and come running to us.
If someone did break in he would only be detered by having to play fetch before he killed us.
Then I think to myself, why would someone pick our house to break into? The people from our neighborhood are probably going to the nicer neighborhoods to get the good stuff.
Then I think... but if they do break in to our house... they will be sooooo pissed! The CD player doesn't work, only the tape player part does and you can't get a good station in to save your soul.
I think we might have all of $2.00 cash in the house and the diamonds are not real. They would kill us for being cheap!
I always laugh when people tell me to becareful about buying things on the internet... If someone stole my identity the joke would be on them. They couldn't get credit. They would have to hack into the bank account in the blink of an eye. And hopefully they would start getting all my bills. Besides, I'm in therapy still trying to figure out my own identity. They just couldn't hurt me.
And these people who fear Big Brother, I know I won't be starring in any Big Brother films. We are so boring... they would set themselves on fire if they had to watch us. And who are "they"? The people who are supposed to be watching us?
I could care less if they watch me. What will they see? A 45 year old woman smoking and drinking coffee in a feeble attempt at waking up before noon, doing crafts while watching HGTV or Court TV, depending on which is more interesting at the time. I am so shaking in my slippers...Not!
And why are people so worried about having these camera's in public area's. Those are the people they should be checking out. I would think suspiciously of the people who do not want to be caught on a public camera. What are you doing so privately in your car or on the sidewalk that this infringes on your privacey. Frankly, I am sure there are people out there who enjoy the attention.
Our local weather channel shows the traffic cams in between weather updates.
I think that is why they never clear our roads very well during snowstorms...to keep the ratings up.
And there is always some guy in a big SUV, with a little penis who is flying down the road like it's spring time, slinging slush over everyones windshields like he owns stock in windshield washing fluid. Which in my car is usually frozen or not working for one reason or other, so I am driving down the road, trying to see through the least dirt smears, the car all filthy, looking like a serial killer driving down the highway.
This is the world I am going back to. I really don't have anything to fear after all.
Steal my identity... and you will be the one who is pissed!
Watch me on a public camera when you are having trouble sleeping.
Try to assault me... and I will kick and scream and shoot pepper spray in your face, at least I hope in YOUR face. Plus you will be seen on public camera's. Maybe that deters attackers some.
I have faced and an attacker and resigned myself to die, but I survived.
I no longer fear death, so it makes no sense to fear life.
I had a cancer scare, I realized I would rather die a quick death by assault than a slow lingering death from cancer.
I am a woman with nothing to lose, so later today I will start to gain my life back.
It is a small start, but it is better than giving up.

Am I crazy?!

2005-09-24T01:48:00.000-05:00

Tonight as we have been watching hurricane news, I was working on clay projects.
Our puppy Suzie the Chuahuahua/Yorkie mix bit into a piece of clay and decided it was not a good thing to eat. (Okay, I sort of told her no!) Anyway, she left her little teeth marks in the clay and I just cannot bring myself to destroy it.
I still have my German Shepherds baby teeth in a little glass box from 1988.
I also have cards from Sheila, my parents etc, I just cannot throw away.
It totally breaks my heart to throw things like this away. Something that is a part of someone or something that I love.
My Mom say's I am a pack rat and my Dad say's it's not normal.
My Dad has a DNR and no heroic measures thing in his living will and explained that he put my sister in charge, because he knew it would kill me to have to make that kind of a decision if I even could. (I don't think I could.)
I still cry about my German Shepherd if I think to much about her and she passed away in 2001.
I have all the family photos even back to Great, Great, Grandparents, and a pic of my way Great Grandfather who fought for the North in the Civil War.
I have no children to pass things on to, but I just cannot part with them.
Sheila said it is okay to want to save the clay teeth marks so I will bake the piece of clay and put it in my storage box with the other things I cannot part with. ~sigh~

Sheila and I had a blast tonight!!

2005-09-22T02:58:00.000-05:00

We got the main craft supplies that we needed to start our projects we want to work on. Next payday we will by the little things we need to finish them off.
We laughed so hard because, some of our big bright ideas looked very kindergarten at best!
The ones we did finish look great I have to admit.
Some are for Christmas and some are not.
I have been very into working with polymer clay and designing jewlery. I am getting much better at designing my jewlery.
My designs are casual yet sensual. Sheila models them for me.
I love the clay. It is so relaxing and when finished and polished looks like glass or almost what ever you want it to look like. There are no limits working with clay.
We are making our own Christmas ornaments and they are turning out so cool. We are using plain glass and foggy looking glass ornaments and decorating them both inside and out.
They look fancy as if we bought them pre-made. Sheila showed me how to make deer from clothes pins and wood. They look so good. I know they sound childish but they don't look like it.
So we have a beautiful deer family on our bookcase now. We lightly stained them too.
I know that crafts sound childish but I have to say we make really nice things. We used to sell them like crazy at flea markets and other places wear you pay for space and they sell them for you like a regular store.
I also enlarged my butterfly and tulip photos and we framed those and hung them in our bedroom. They are very relaxing. All 8x10's. Sheila has more photo requests which I will do this weekend. I have a printer with so many photo nozzles it looks like they are professionally done.
We are saving one wall for sexy body shots of Sheila. Only we can see that wall when we are in our room.
I have been asked to do these types of photos for other's so why not myself. Sheila is a very willing model.
Max jumped up on the table again and sat on the table watching us. I guess they have issues to... he feels like a cat trapped in a dogs body.
I know cats sit on tables, so why not a little dog. Besides, we wash the table. He has his own chair with a cussion to sit on at the table but, sometimes it's just not good enough.
Sheila bought him really cute teddy bear sweaters that they had on sale at Hobby Lobby. He looks very handsome in them and he knows it.
We stayed up late doing our crafts and watching HGTV, hurricane news and drinking coffee.
She doesn't go in to work untill 2:00 tomorrow then she is off on Friday.
We are concerned for my partner in crime on the messege board I got to plus her partner's brother just went down there too.
They both are in Huston and won't leave. I hope this storm will die out or something, or they get out of there. (With her puppy.)
I am finally coming down from my coffee. Looks like I will get some sleep now.
Night world.

We woke up late this morning...

2005-09-21T11:08:00.000-05:00

We woke up really late this morning. We only have one bathroom so we did not have time for both of us to get ready on time. I told Sheila to hurry and go since she had to open the store and meet the girls for breakfast.
Of course I sent her with my Hobby Lobby list for more polymer clay etc.
So I am sitting here watching HGTV and getting more ideas for crafting and home make overs. These types of channels are very dangerous for me to watch.
But my counselor told me to quit watching so much news all the time, so it is very theraputic.
Nobody can love painting a room as much as I do. I love to completely change the whole room.
I called my counselor today to start back regularly again. I am so sick of not wanting to leave my house.
On a post below I promised to start living again. I failed today so far, but it is still early.
I am just excited to work with my clay today.
I plan on going out this weekend to take some photos.
I need to take some money with me if I want to continue my homeless people photos and stories. The last time I did them for the news papaer. This time I want to do it for myself. I want them to show me their hangouts and where they sleep.
During the day they all hang out together, at night they form groups to watch each other's backs because they are afraid of the people that they hang out with during the day. Their stories are all fascinating yet sad.
I want to do the homeless kids who live in the tunnels an under the bridges too. They have tragic stories to tell. I want the photos to be natural and not posed. I want to bring awareness to these people. They need help. I only met a few who really have given up and want to be on the streets. Most of them need a hand up, away to get back on their feet. It is hard for them because they have no I.D.'s and once they are on the streets it is very hard to get back on their feet. Some of them sleep in the shelters at night but most of them in the streets because the shelters fill up to fast.
Winter is coming soon and they will need help. So many of them die on the streets in the winter.
These people have nothing but the clothes on their backs, they sleep like animals outside in hiding, and yet they spend the day and night trying to survive and not giving up.
Some of them feel like they are to old to be hired for work or at least work that will pay them enough to get off of the streets. It is hard for many of them because they have no identification for various reasons. They cannot prove who they are or pay to get where they need to go to get the identification. Some have lost their jobs, families, I.D.'s. Most of their things they did have were stolen on the streets including their identification.
They get hired for odd jobs sometimes but are paid only a couple of dollars and hour because people know they are desperate. They don't like it but, they do it for what ever money they can get. It is just never enough to get back on their feet.
I also want to do photos and stories on our city's gang bangers. These are dangerous areas to go into but I want the stories and photos.
Next I want to do photo's and stories of prisoners who are rapists etc. I want to know more about them. WHat the think just before, after, and during their violent acts, when they first started to think about things like this, and how it all began.
I have forms I have to fill out to get into the prison to interview.
Now that I am a freelancer I can pretty much do the stories I want if I find someone who is interested in buying them.
The problem is that nobody really wants to know this part of our city. They want to here all the perfect things.
I might have to do the documenteries or my own book and have it supported by the local book stores. They have local writer's sections.
It takes so much time to do these stories because of all the research to be sure you are telling facts.
I enjoy all of the work, but I need to get out of the house to do most of it.
I also want to do more writing and research on Indiana's part in the underground railroad during the Civil War. I have been refered to a lady who has really done a great job of this in Cinci, Ohio.
Ok enough for now... more later.

Today I got up.

2005-09-21T00:21:00.000-05:00

that's about it. It looked like rain all day so I did not go out. Well, that and the fact that my car tire is flat.
We have a thing to fill it up in the garage thankfully. Still it was dreary out all day.
I decided to stay home and work on projects.
Being on disability is alot like being a kid, and everyday is Saturday. Or like early retirement.
I used to be so embarrased to tell anyone that I was on disability, but it was not my choice or my fault. So,
now I just deal with it.
Sheila is off this Wednesday and we will have breakfast with people she works with who, are also off tomorrow. Then we'llgo to Hobby Lobby to buy some grown up toys for me.
Sheila still has to open the store in the morning since they are training new people for sales.
I need to weed the flower gardens, it seems like weeds just pop up during the rain.
Until we are sure of my heart condition, I am not supposed to do anything like that unless I have someone with me. I hope to have some freedom back soon.
Friday I have more tests for my heart. I don't think anything has changed. I need to work out more when Sheila is home or when my Mom is here.
Mom wants me to go walking with her so I think that would be nice. She can take her dog and I can take turns taking one of mine each time. The only problem with that is, none of our dogs act like they have any sense when they are on a leash. We have spoiled them since they have a fenced in yard to play in. My Mom's German Shepherd is in an advanced obedience class and is awesome. My German Shepherd was too.
But now Sheila has talked me into all these little dogs and I just never trained them like the bigger dogs. I mean they have the basics like... "Who's hungry"?... "Who wants a cookie?" "Who wants to go outside"? "Let's go night-night."
The rest they understand when they want to which, isn't very often.
Sheila insists we use harnesses on them instead of collars. So I put the leash on and they start spinning around so fast it's all a blur. It's like taking a weed whacker for a walk. Every once in awhile they take a break from spinning and jump up and down and pull from one side to the other probably because they are so dizzy from spinning. It took me awhile to get used to going from correcting a German Shepherd on a leash to correcting the size equivalent of a squirl on a leash.
I find it hard to control these dogs on harnesses. It's like steering a wheel chair with your teeth.
I either trip over the dog or trip over the leash trying to get unwound. We are going in all different directions.
If I had to draw a map of our walk it would look like a Pac-Man trail.
Like anyone else, I enjoy watching a dog make a fool out of a person, only not when it is me.

I was to overwhelmed to blog...

2005-09-18T00:38:00.000-05:00

I was trying to keep postitive about my biopsy. It was pretty scarey. The fact that my Mom had thyroid cancer give me a 50% chance of having it too.
It turns out it is not cancer. I had no idea just how stressed I was until the doctor called and told me the news. I felt something release from my body and suddenly felt really light.
When the told me it was suspicious I got nervous. The cold nodule had the looks and signs of cancer. The left side where the cold nodule is does not function. The right side has multiple hot nodules and they are not canerous. We will just keep watching it every 6 months. I hope to not worry about it again unless they say it is cancer.
So many people prayed for me and sent me positive thoughts and angels.
Many of the people being from the messege board I belong to.
I tried to think it benign.
I have to believe all this helped in some way.
I have been keeping busy with my arts and crafts and hobbies. There is nothing more relaxing to me than to create, design, and work with my hands. So that has also helped me alot.
I also did alot of thinking.
I have wasted so much of my life after my assault. I survived a serious car accident, and I lucked out of cancer.
It's time for me to do something and make something more of my life.
I need to quit being ashamed of myself for being on V.A. Disability.
I can still do meaningful things.
I can still do stand up comedy. I have plenty to talk about now.
I can still play my music.
I can write and I can take photos.
I want to make documentery fims. I have help for getting grant requests written. I have the ideas in my head. The local T.V. Station will train and rent me equipment.
I have no excuse for not doing anything.
I have no reason to be afraid of going places alone. I could die just sitting in my house from cancer if I don't get attacked outside.
I would rather die doing something than sitting around hoping to feel better.
I have more tests coming up for my heart and a growth on my uterus. I am not even going to waste the time worrying about it.
I am going to make sure that I do something each day even if it is wrong.
I will start writing again and writing some stand up bits.
Thought about joining Comedy Sports or at least trying out and taking some training. I just don't like the Improve Type of comedy as much as Stand Up. But it should at least sharpen my skills.
I can query some newspapers and magazines to see if I can write some articles or do some photography again.
There is so much I can do.
I can afford to take buses and trains to get to the places I want to photograph. I can do it alone, no more excuses.
Hopefully I will have good results on my heart tests and at least be able to work out without supervision. I will do it anyway since I know my body and can start out slow.
I am determined to force myself to get out no matter how I feel.
I feel like God keeps giving me more chances and I keep wasting them.
I am going to get back to living.
I don't have to wait for someone to go with me. Besides, I prefer to do my photography alone.
I am going to start taking Sheila to work some days so I can have the good car. She never leaves work and the car just sits in the parking lot all day. We decided I could always pick her up for lunch if she can getaway.
Since we did a total bedroom make over we decided to splurge on new window treatments and a sexy comforter, sheets, skirt, and pillow shams.
A short time after we put the pillow shams on the two extra pillows we could not find Max (our tea cup Min Pin that only weighs 4 pounds.) Sheila noticed that the pillows were sort of messed up on the bed. (The dogs are blocked off from that part of the house until bed time.
We figured Max jumped the gate again and got on the bed. (We pretend not to notice when he does that.)
Well, we did not see him on the bed. Sheila Picked up one of the pillow with the shams on it and saw two little eyes staring out of the sham.
He found his way up on the bed and noticing the new shams he crawled inside the sham and went to sleep. He is one silly little dog and never stops entertaining us.
We did not know that he was bred as a tea cup and were getting concerned because he has not been growing. He is a year old now and the breed standard is about 10 pounds.
We called the people who gave him to us and they said he is a tea cup Min Pin.
We looked them up on the internet and they sell for $1250.00. They said they were going to sell him if we didn't take him. They wanted him to have a good home. Well, he has a great home. He is the king of the castle and even has his own wardrobe for when he gets cold.
He gets very upset when we have to take his t-shirts or pj's off.
When he's cold he goes to the box I have his clean clothes in and picks out what he wants to wear and brings it to us. We hold the neck part open and he sticks his head in then he lifts each paw to go into the sleeves. He has no idea that he is a dog.
If I owe anyone an email, if you are reading this, I promise to get back to you Sunday as I am getting to tired to do all my e-mails now.
Ok, I think I have bored you enough for tonight!

My Second Thyroid Biopsy

2005-09-13T20:28:00.000-05:00

This morning I had to report to the V.A. Hospital for blood tests and ultrasound with biopsy of my thyroid.
It was a long day. Just like in the Navy, everything was hurry up and wait.
Sheila took the day off to come with me since they were supposed to tell me the results then and there.
The waiting room for blood testing was spilled out in the hallway. Luckily it was not to long of a wait as they can do 8 people at a time.
So, we know have an hour and a half to wait around for the ultrasound and biopsy.
This is a nice V.A. Regional Hospital. They also train the IUPUI students and residents.
They have a huge cafateria and Buger king and a pizza place. Also a Star Bucks.
We decided to get a coffee from Star Bucks and go wait outside on the patio. We found a nice table under the shade trees and next to a beautiful nature fountain.
All of a sudden, it was break time for the Ward 8 East patients.
We happened to have a patient sit next to us and spend the whole time talking and yelling at us about terrorists, the world trade center and asking us if we were lost. Then she would talk to herself and sing to herself.
When she would yell at us everyone on both sides of the patio would be watching.
We just agreed with whatever she said.
Finally, we went up to the radiology dept. where I had to report for my ultrasound and biopsy.
I had a first year resident and the training physician, another doctor, a student and some techs in there with me. They would not allow Sheila in the room.
This first year resident was a handsome young man and did a very good job. I could barely feel a thing this time as opossed to last time when they tried nine times. They do each biopsy in sets of three or four. This one did four. He nailed it and they had plenty of cells. They checked the cells on slides and in the microscope. They were going to let me know right then and there if it was benign or not.
The Tech came in to my room and said that my cells require further testing. I heard the lab guy and doctors talking about the results and the fact that there might be either folicular or papalary cells and that they would have to be checked in the lab to differentiate from the two types.
Well, I know enough to know that these are two types of thyroid cancers. I also know it still has a chance of being just a follicular adenoma, which can be benign.
So, I am preparing for the worst and hoping for the best.
I am supposed to know something by Friday at the latest.
Whatever it is it is no longer just on the lower lobe of the left side. It is now on the whole left lobe where there was little function before there is no function on the left side at all.
All the waiting is killing me.
Afterwards we had dinner with my Mom. And then came home. Sheila took a much deserved nap. I am both tired and wired.
A friend from a messege board I am on had the worst experience with her colonoscopy today. So far it is good news but she has to wait further news on her lower GI.
My friend G. from the same board had a lump removed from her breast today. They think it is just a cyst but had to send it out for further testing to be safe.
Well it was a long day for some of us. I hope we all have good results this week.

Our New Bedroom

2005-09-11T00:46:00.000-05:00

Sheila and I have been fixing up this house since we bought it 7 years ago. New plumbing, electrical box and wiring, new kitchen, floor to ceiling including all new appliances, New living room floor to ceiling. New floor in the hallway. All new landscaping front and back.
So, friday Sheila decided we would do our bedroom so it will be nice since I am facing two must have surgeries. And two elective surgeries.
She just went in there and started to tear out the carpet which we have both been wanting to do for the past year now. Then we decided we should paint before we lay the new wood tiles.
We already knew what color we wanted the paint to be since we have been talking about doing this for a year.
Sheila did the floor herself since I am pretty sick right now. I did manage to paint half of the room and the ceiling.
We bought a new bedset which looks beautiful in the new room and I put a really nice light in there that I originally bought for another room.
Our room is so romantic and cozy now. we have so much more space since I am reorganizing the closets and dressers.
This week we will decorate the room with some things from her store and some of my photos that we will have enlarged and framed.
We watch to much HGTV and TLC. Next we plan on doing a new bathroom.
We both love doing the work and have alot of fun planning, shopping and working together on our projects.
We figured it was fair that she did most of the work in the bedroom since I did most of the kitchen myself due to her work schedule at the time.
I do feel bad for her since she is so tired and sore today and also had to work all day after finally finishing the new floor at 2:00 am. We had to do 2 coats of paint.
Tomorrow I will do the trim around the base boards and the floor tiles around the door and closet with the help of my step Dad.
I wish I felt good enough to do more myself. I absolutely love remodling and landscaping. Especially when it is all finished and we get to step back and look at the finished project.
The dogs had a blast watching from the doggy gate. Once the room was together they ran all around checking it out. We think they liked it since tails were wagging a mile a minuet.
Our Min Pin Max, weighing 4.5 pounds can jump over and onto just about anything so, the doggy gate could not hold him back from taking a few early peeks in the room. Now he has a lovely gold tail. I bet he will love me washing it off tomorrow. (NOT)
My sweet Sheila has been sleeping since she came home from work. She will sleep through the night I am sure.
My heart is about to burst, because I know she did this all for me. She said she wants me to have a nice room to heal in.
She worked so hard because she wanted it to be finished incase I have to be operated on soon.
I feel bad because she is nervous about my biopsy on Tuesday. I am thinking it will be fine. The idea that it is suspicious is a tad scarey and the fact that they will be giving me the results right then and there is kind of scarey. I get to watch the whole thing and now I know what the colors mean on the slides. So, I will know while we watch the slides turn colors.
I am not allowed to eat or drink anything from midnight until after the test which is not until 1:30 pm. Not to good for a diabetic. Oh, and worst of all I am not allowed to smoke either.
No eating, drinking or smoking incase I have to have something removed.
Will I be able to contain my inner monster? Stay tuned...

A Spiked Butt Plug in My Ass

2005-09-07T11:46:00.000-05:00

There is a very mean spirited woman on a messege board that I participate on who is like a bur in my ass.
She quit posting on the board pretty much when her partner stepped down as CL.
She then began to blog about me and how bad our messege board was and how I fucked up by posting something personal on the board about myself and another board member.
She also blogged about other people so I am not singled out here.
I got pissed and commented about her blog and how I did not appreciate her discussing me in her blog as it was very clear who she was talking about.
Of course she told me if I don't like it do not read it. It is her blog and she has the freedom to say what ever she wants to say.
So, I agreed with her on that. I made a public appology, and still she homes in on me like a smart bomb on an Iraq target.
Since then she has obviously been lurking on the board and has made it a point to post to me twice now by flinging that blog incident back in my face. I know she enjoys pissing people off. And I am sure after her post today she is having a wonderful day.
I also know that she talks about people behind their backs and acts as their friend to their faces. I know this because she used to talk to me before I became one of her targets.
This woman is so socially inept, and thrives on trying to piss people off. It is her mission in life it seems.
I have to try to be nice to her on the board because I am a co-cl. But geez as a human being I am not one to be two faced and pretend to like some butt plug.
I am not hurt in any way by her remarks considering the source.
This woman makes her significant other sleep in a different room so many nights a week and on those nights her daughter who is like 12 or 13 sleeps with this butt plug. I guess this is normal for some people... like Woody Allen or Micheal Jackson maybe.
I am not saying she is abusing her daughter because I know she does it as only a doting mother, but geeze, what a weird set up. And she has the nerve to judge me and spread rumors about me on her blog.
She is a Professor of Assholedom or something. Not sure what.
I think of her as a spiked butt plug. She likes to crawl up your ass and keep digging.
So, this spiked butt plug person crawled up my ass again today just for the opportunity to get a little digging in.
She felt that I needed her wisdom to remind me to read blogs at my own risk. That is why I put a warning at the top of my blog, to let people know before they read it that they might be offended.
Life is to short to be two faced and dishonest. At least people always know where they stand with me.
If I don't like a person they will know it and I can count on one hand who those people are. I like most people, but I draw the line at mean spirited, rumor mongers, who throw peoples mistakes back in their faces just for spite.
I was reminded in the past that your blog is your blog and you can say whatever you want to say on your blog.
You can always tell who a fucked up person is by the way they obsessively point out other peoples mistakes in order to make themselves feel better about their own fucked up lives.
Well if you read this far, remember you were warned.

September 13th...

2005-09-02T01:06:00.000-05:00

So far three people from my message board, including myself will be having procedures done to test for cancer.
I will be sending positive thoughts to each of them and myself as well.
We all go for these procedures on September 13th. In Spain 13 is a lucky number.
I hope we all find good results.
I am still praying for our hurricane victims and those who are able to help them.
I wish I could do more. It breaks my heart to see what these people are going through.

Thank you to the countries who are offering aid...

2005-09-02T01:00:00.000-05:00

to our hurricane victims.
I still need to know why we are not dropping water and food to the people at the rescue sites.
I also don't understand why some people are treating the recuers violently. They are hampering the help.
So many people, babies, sick, elderly suffuring so badly. Just drop them some water, food, baby formula, and diapers.
Those of us who have money and things should sponsor a victim or a family to help them.
This is so horrible to see.

Hurricane Katrina, No aid from other countries!!!!!

2005-08-31T10:01:00.000-05:00

The destruction seems overwhelming. The people with no food, water, elctricity, homes, clothing and on and on.
Looters, I can understand taking food, fluids, and baby supplies, but geeze, why are they taking T.V.'S etc? What are they going to do with this stuff anyway. And what about evacuate don't they understand?! They had the oppertunity to escape on buses etc.
So many deaths that did not need to happen.
A very sad event.
I notice that no other countries are offering aid to us. We are always the first to send aid to others. Maybe we should just start taking care of our own from now on. We would have so much more money and supplies for our own people in these disasters.
We are always on our own and taking care of the rest of the world. When we do send aid to other countries they complain that we did not send enough. This makes me sick!
What about our bordering countries who want free access to our country and jobs. Total silence when we need them to help out. They just want to sit back and wait for us to fix everything so they can come here and take advantage of it.
They treat us like shit and feel we owe them everything.
I am so sick of the fact that we send them money, food clothing, jobs, and what we do not send, they come here and take or expect. When they do come here they are given more money and bennifits than any american is ever entitled to. They have money to start their own businesses, buy homes and go to school.
When will we start to take better care of our own American citizens.
We have already given more than any other country will ever give in a life time. Take all that money we give to foreigners and give it to the victims of the Gulf Coast hurricane.
Same thing with Florida. If they were another country we would have them all in their own homes by now instead of still living in FEMA trailers and camps.
This totally sucks big green ones.
Time to start helping ourselves and quit worring about saving the world from themselves.
Now I don't mean completely shut ourselves off, just give much less to the others and way more to our own!
No one else ever worries about us. So why worry so much about them other than how it would bennifit us.
Oh, I could go on and maybe I will. It's my blog, I can come back and vent if I want to.

My Hospital Visit

2005-08-30T02:26:00.000-05:00

I was in awe by the fact that I was not asked to take off all my clothes and handed a postage stamp size gown to wear.
I guess it makes sense somehow as I was only having a biopsy done on my thyroid. (That is a whole different story.)
I got to the V.A. Hospital, and was surprised to find I suddenly have been assigned to a new Doctor.
I have to admit I was actually elated, because my other doctor has been piddle around for 3 years and still clueless as to why I am sick.
My old Doctor always made me take my clothes off. It didn't matter why I was th... well maybe that is why that Doctor is no longer working at the hospital
My new Doctor is great. We are finally getting to the bottom of what is wrong with me, and in only two visits.
It seems I am growing spare parts on my thyroid, lymph nodes and my female organs. I think I am cloning myself.
Now for the biopsy.
I am just about positive the guy who tried, (and I stress the word tried), to do my biopsy was blind. He stuck my neck 9 times and missed each time. No cells, zip, nada, nothing.
My neck swelled up so big it became a traffic stopper!
I feel worse than I did the whole past three years. At least then I could talk and swallow.
Now I have to go back and do it all over again with the help of an ultrasound. (Same blind guy will be doing it.)
He must have been using my clothes as a guide to the skin in which he slammed the needle like a crazed serial killer.
I am a tad nervous about the next biopsy because it is scheduled for the 13th of September, with the blind guy.
I would tell you about my OBGYN ultrasound exam but it was even worse. That Doctor could see a bit better, but she was old and bitter with a voice of a heavy smoker and no sense of humor.
I was just like a car on a lift. She had her tool box and a computer thing surrounding her, and tools that looked like the same thing you would use for an oil and filter change.
I expected her to tell me I needed a new air filter. Which I could really use since I am on Metformen/Glucofauge, which causes major flatulance. Mostly really loud. Yeah, I am a diabetic too.
Everything started to go down hill when I turned 40. Only I seem to be skipping the phase where I turn into my Mom and carreening straight to the part where I am more like my Grandmother.
She always had flatulance too, and didn't care, because she was at that age where she was over trying to impress anyone. She would just stop in her tracks and let it rip, then shuffle off again like nothing ever happened. I admire her confidence, but my social life still means something to me.
I suppose I should talk about politics or something more adult like that. Maybe next time.

2005-07-16T02:37:00.000-05:00

Our neighbors have been fighting like crazy. She cusses him out all the time. One night the ambulance etc. took him away.
The next morning he said he fell and broke his ribs. I think she let him have it though because they do not have any stairs or anything and they were fighting loudly. The other day he was moving out with a friend who had a pick up truck. He tried to take the car but she would not let him. She bought both cars.
Today she said he had been cheating on her for four months and she just caught him. He was not working, paying bills or doing anything around the house either. She told him his free ride was over.
He has been calling her, but she say's no way is she taking him back. They have been together eight years and he has cheated twice now. (That she knows about.)
We told her to stay strong.
I have never cheated on anyone no matter how bad the relationship was.
I was cheated on one time and I could not forgive her for it. I just could not even stand to be touched by her at all and had to end the relationship.
I was able to finally forgive her, but I still could not think of her as my girlfriend. I have even forgotten her last name.

I feel so frustrated when listening to the news. So many people going missing or raped or killed. Many of the attackers are repeat offenders.
My attacker was a repeat offender many times over.
Something needs to be done to see these guys do not get back out.
I wish that there was something I could do, but not sure what. There are so many groups trying to help make better laws etc. For some reason I want to do something, I am just not sure what. It seem's that once spring and summer are here the sex offenders are out on their hunting season.
When I was a kid I was sexually abused for years by an older man who I do not want to mention. It started when I was 3 years old until I was 10 years old. Then I get the double whamy of being abducted, assaulted and tortured as an adult. I ask myself why sometimes and there has to be an answer. Like maybe I am supposed to do something about it. Probably not counseling since I am in counseling myself with issues from it all. I am not going to dwell on it. I guess if it is meant to be something will come to me.
I hope to be able to do something productive instead of sitting around on disability. Plus it might be good to do something positive in this area. I know there are so many other's out there like me and many who have gone through worse. Some maybe not as bad, but affected just the same. And even worse, so many who have been killed. Their lives ended for some sick bastards sexual gratification.
Yet, they keep getting out and back on the streets. I watched a show of interviews with prisoners being interviewed. They were talking as if they were the victims because they had to be in prison. I could not feel sorry for them. Instead I could only wonder about their victims. I feel like I know how they felt in their last moments of life.
A punishment is supposed to fit the crime. These guys have ended lives and ruined lives or at least changed peoples lives forever. And they want people to feel sorry for them. I just cannot feel bad for them being locked up.
I wish they would spend more time trying to study them and figure them out. What causes their cravings and how and when do they realize they want to harm women.
Is there a way to catch this before they act on it? Is there a better way for women to survive their attackers. I mean even if I did know how to fight, I collapsed in fear and when I did try to fight I was weak with fear and it pissed him off more, making it worse for me. There has to be something that can be done.
Oh well, enough of this for tonight.

I gave my ferret her second bath. She seems to like it alot. She likes the water and being dried in a towel, then she runs around like hell and jumps and plays in a second dry towel. I would have had a ferret long ago had I known they were such sweet little animals.
When she decides to eat, she takes her stuffed babies with her one by one and scatters food on the cage floor and eats with them.
I think she is litter training them now because I see two of them in the litter box. (Thank God it is clean.)

Maybe, I can manage some sleep now. Writing helps make me drowsey.

More things to write about since there is no one to talk to right now.

2005-07-11T19:20:00.000-05:00

In between this and my last post, each time my oldest pug barked, she farted.
It reminded me of my friends dad who always farted after he coughed. Back then I always thought he had bad timing trying to cough to cover his farts. But now that I am older I understand, sometimes these things just happen. The ol' sphincter muscle weakens just like the other muscles. I actually discovered that on a recent visit back home. The only person who had the balls to say something about it was my Dad. He just casually asked me to think about opening a window next time I think that might happen. I would have done that if I had any warning it was going to happen, There were 3 people seated in the backseat of the car who would have killed me for wrecking their hair.
I have been trying to figure out a work out to strengthen the sphincter muscle. I was thinking it might sell on video or CD.
I think if it was packaged in brown paper wrapping people would by it. Then again, everyone knows that mail that ships in plain brown wrapping usually means you are hiding something.
So, I have decided to wrap it in birthday wrapping paper.
God, I wish I could just go back to work!

My Assault and Fearing the Night...

2005-07-11T07:00:00.000-05:00

I am on meds to help me sleep and not be afraid of the night. Yet, I somehow manage to be hypervigilant no matter what the doctor or phys/counselors try to do to help me.
Supposedly this is caused by my "PTSD".
Sunday was a pretty relaxing day because I had been awake all night Saturday. Now I am on the night cycle from hell! I can't sleep at night and I only manage a few hours here and there during the day. Supposedly this is caused by a combo diagnosis of PTSD and Bi-polar disorder.
The trueth is I am a survivor (If you can call it that.) Of an abduction and I was kept in an apartment for more than a day/night. I was raped, beaten, tortured with a knife and told how I was going to die by being cut into small pieces and burried all around the city so he could always drive by a part of me and think about what he did. This assault was done repeatedly until he dumped me at a train station and left me for dead. I was stationed oversea's at the time, while in the navy.
I tried to put it all behind me and move on. I did not think that I needed "help" dealing with it. I did not want to give "him" anymore of my time.
But things just kept getting worse for me over the years. Injuries from my assault progressively getting worse. Being put on disability and in therapy with the V.A.
Night terrors that won't quit. Anxiety from hell. I jump at anything sudden. I fear the night. I have repeat dreams of a man who wants to kill me only this time I know it before I get assaulted and keep trying to find a way out.
Some of my medications have caused me to gain so much weight over the last 2 years. I feel so awful being fat! It is uncomfortable and I can't wear the clothes that I like. I have developed diabetes. I hope to lose this weight. I feel older and more vulnerable due to my weight and disabilities. Not sure I could fight off an assault. Before, my assault, I always thought that I could take care of myself. But when it really came down to it, my knees buckled and my legs, it was as if I had no legs, I just collapsed to the ground so gripped with fear.
In the news, there are so many women and children being abducted. When they are found the families always say, "she's doing just great, she is putting this behind her and moving on and she is her old self again." But I know different. I know the survivers inside. We try to be our old selves again. We try not to show how we feel, think or fear. We do not want to show anyone that we might be vulnerable and weak. We are somehow ashamed of having been taken and not having gotten away. It is to painful to talk about, especially right away.
We desperately want to get back to normal so we fake it.
For me it worked for years, then it all came crashing down. I felt like I was about to go nuts. I did not want to admit my fears to anyone, it was embarrassing. I could not keep hiding it. I had to make excuses for not wanting to follow through with plans.
Sometimes I am resigned to accepting the fact that my life will never be the same as it was before this assault. That I will never feel safe again.
Why are these men always repeat offenders? Why do they always turn them loose to continue hunting down innocent people? The man who assaulted me was a repeat offender many times over. He was back on the streets 3 months after he assaulted me.
I watch the news and it is as if the courts sympathize with these criminals.
I bet if the person/people who set them free, were held responsible if they repeated their crimes again, they would not be back on the streets.
Everyone thinks it won't happen to them.
I want to feel safe and carefree again. I want to have even just one hour without physical pain. Pain clinics... geeze! What a waste!
I feel so bad for both the survivers and the ones who do not survive. I feel bad for the families who grieve.
I feel like I know exactly the ones who do not survive spent their last moments on earth. My heart aches for them.
Here is what I don't understand. We put the drug addicts in prison for a long time instead of sending them to treatment for their treatable addiction. Then we set free the child molesters, serial rapests and killers who cannot be rehabilitated.
Am I just really stupid for not understanding this? Does it make sense to other people? Can anyone explain this and justify this for me?
Can anyone justify letting these guys back out knowing they will continue these crimes? Why aren't the people who let them out, held responsible when they repeat their crimes? We all know they will repeat them. They even admit that they cannot stop themselves.
Maybe if these guys would actually be taken off the streets the good innocent people would live, and the innocent survivors would feel a little more safe.
We would not have so many people on disability and we would create more jobs by truely treating the drug addicts and helping them become productive members of society.
Sometimes I feel like there is a big hateful monster inside of me. A very angry monster that wants to force these changes. Sometimes I just wish I could slap the sense into the people who keep letting these guys back out. I have to question why they would sympathize with these men who rape and kill and torture others for their own pleasure.
Finally, it is light outside. These guys can't prowel in the cover of darkness until tonight. Now I can sleep

Disturbing Letter on Another Blog and More...

2005-07-11T05:51:00.000-05:00

I just read the blog of an aquaintence of mine from a message board I frequent.
The letter she refered us to was written by a conservative who thinks Liberals and college Professors should be used as human shields for our marines.
It sounds suspiciously like one of Suddam's letters slipped through the security cracks to me!
I would link you to the blog, but I am link impaired at the moment.

I woke up just before noon today after a sleepless night. I stayed up long enough to have coffee with my partner and chat for a bit, before she had to get ready for work.
We have decided to get matching tattoos. They will be a lobster with each other's names on them. (Lobsters mate for life.) It will have to do until they legalize marriage for us.
We did buy matching rings, but mine doesn't fit right now since my weight gain. I am dieting like crazy now. Keeping healthy on my diabetic and heart healthy diet and I cut my smoking in half now.
I have been getting out more and walking so that I can recondition my heart. They say no pain no gain. I just hope I can tell the difference between gain and a heart attack.

It is very windy today. The screen door keeps opening and closing causing the dogs to think "We have company, or maybe not, or maybe so, or maybe not."
I have to admit that with my PTSD etc. it put me a tad on edge at first too.
The door won't stay closed because the DIY that lived here before we moved in put the catch on crooked. We have had to fix alot of his DIY messes. We did find alot of his old drug paraphrenalia in the garage and workshop when we moved in explaining alot of things. I guess I could fix it, but my legal drugs can cause me to lack motivation too.
I will fix it today. That will be my project since everything else is caught up around here.
We have a cleaning service now and it is great! It is so much easier to keep up on the daily cleaning and laundry now.
Now I mostly just have light cleaning and taking care of the animals.
My Mom thought our ferret was dumb because she wouldn't learn to go in her littler box. She is not dumb, she is smart, she knew exactly what she was doing. Why mess up her own place when she can just shit through the cage bars and mess up our floors?
It is sort of like sneaking over to the neighbors house just before your butt explodes and stinking up their place.
We light a match in the bathroom after such an event. Not sure why... because now it just smells like you shit and lit a match.
My Mom keeps a floral scent spray in her bathroom, it just smells like someone shit in the flower bed.
How did I ever sink so low as to discuss this kind of thing on my blog?
Oh well, it is my place to write down the thoughts in my head.

I guess writing this blog just helps me pass the time. Being a lesbian housewife collecting a disability check just gives me to much free time. I actually miss going to work. I did try going back once, but they didn't appreciate it since I had been fired. Haaaa just kidding, I didn't go back.

The thing I miss about working is the sense of having a purpose. And the people. I have always worked in fields that interest me. So, it was never really like work. It was fun, interesting and exciting!
Now it is like being a kid on an endless summer vacation, except, now I can drink beer while I watch cartoons. I don't, but I could. It's just that I don't care for cartoons as much as I used too.

Our state finally voted to change times like the rest of the world. Only now they can't agree on which time zone. We are in the middle. It's either change with Washington and New York or Chicago. It's the political and corporate worlds' equivilant of having to choose whether to keep the cash or go for what's behind the curtain.
Personally, it would be nice for me to go with EST, that way I won't keep calling and waking my Dad up, so he can remind me that he is an hour ahead of me now. But I am pretty sure they won't take that into consideration.
I have my computer clock set to EST to help me remember. Now, I have momentary panick attacks thinking I am running really late.
Just what, possibly, could a disabled, lesbian housewife be running late for? Therapy of course.

I should have just titled this A wandering Mind. I think I have typed enough for now.
More later when my brain starts missfiring again.

Christians Protesting the Gay Bar.

2005-07-10T05:13:00.000-05:00

Today, a friend of mine from Richmond, Virginia called me from her cell phone.
In the backround i could hear shouting.
I was informed by my friend that she was standing in front of one of the gay bars, and across the street were 20 "Christians" preaching (screaming) the word of God to the "sinners".
A man was shouting through a bullhorn, (as he did this my friend had the guts to go out and rev her motorcycle to drown him out.), then when told by the police to put the bullhorn away he sets up a microphone and speakers. Back comes the officer to tell him that he could not use the microphone either.
So the guy starts screaming/shouting from the street. He had 19 followers or cheerleaders urging him on.
I asked my friend to observe what people were doing who had to walk past these reprsentitives of God.
She observed that people were going out of their way and crossing the street to avoid these Christians. I thought the point was to be fruitfull and multiply. These people were driving everyone away. They had a permit to protest.
That is ok, it's freedom of speech. I would never be against freedom of speech.
I just have to wonder if a group of lesbians and gays would get a permit to protest and shout their beliefs across the street from a church during services... Would they say we are recruiting?
They were calling people names. Yeah, like that will make people rush to join the fold. Did you not see the people literally running away from you, going out of their way to avoid you? Isn't that the opposite of your goal? Or is it your goal to turn people off concerning God and church?
Granted, some of our Gay Pride Parades can look frightening. A friend of mine, while attending her first Gay Pride Parade with me this year, called up America's Most Wanted and told them, "We just found everybody!" So I am not saying we are perfect either. But we are not recruiting... our incentive program sucks!
I guess, I am just observing the way people go about defeating their purpose by acting like raging lunatic fools.
I mean, if I started calling you names like sicko or sinner or queer, are you going to come rushing over to listen to me scream more of my self professed wisdom in your ear?
They always have the bumper stickers that ask, "What would Jesus do"? I think they need to really be sure who is answering that question. I mean if I were Satan, and I wanted to win, I might just answer this question like, "He would go out on the street corner and act like an out of control raging fool and call people names, yeah, that is what he would do."
They always claim that God told them to do things, no matter how foolish the act, they always blame it on God. "Why did you do this?!" "God told me to do it."
"It's not my fault, God told me to do it, don't blame me!"
But when people who are not like them do something, right away they will say, "They are listening to Satan."
At least we don't blame our shamefull acts on God. How does God feel when he gets blamed for your shamefull acts?
I think you should re-think your acts when people are running away from you rather than towards you. I would think Satan would be working harder to recruit you so becarefull who you Christians are actually listening too.
And remember the Bible verse that say's, "Professing themselves to be wise, they became fools."